How to Get Out of an Abusive Marriage

Leaving an abusive marriage is one of the hardest and most courageous things you’ll ever do. It’s all about reclaiming your safety and your sense of self. But when you’re in the middle of it, everything can feel confusing and overwhelming. Fear, manipulation, financial control, and emotional exhaustion can make leaving seem impossible.

But that’s not true. You can get out safely and rebuild your life. But doing it the right way makes all the difference. 

Here’s how to begin.

Recognize That Abuse Comes in Many Forms

Before you can leave, you need to acknowledge that what you’re experiencing is abuse. Many people stay far too long because they don’t recognize the full scope of what’s happening.

Abuse isn’t always physical. It can be emotional, financial, verbal, or psychological. It can involve isolation, constant criticism, gaslighting, intimidation, or threats. You might be walking on eggshells, constantly trying not to “set them off.” You might feel trapped — not because you want to stay, but because you’re afraid of what will happen if you go.

If any of this feels familiar, know that you’re not imagining it. Abuse thrives in silence and confusion. Simply recognizing it for what it is — and admitting you deserve better — is the first and most powerful step toward freedom.

Start Planning Your Exit

Leaving an abusive marriage is often the most dangerous moment for a victim. Abusers crave control, and when they sense they’re losing it, they can lash out. That’s why it’s critical to plan your escape carefully and discreetly.

Start by thinking about what you’ll need when you go. Gather important documents such as:

• Driver’s license, Social Security card, and birth certificates (for you and your children)
• Bank account information, credit cards, and insurance details
• Proof of income, tax returns, and any legal documents related to the marriage

If possible, store copies of these documents somewhere safe. Next, set aside emergency funds if you can. Even small amounts saved over time can make a difference once you leave. You’ll also want to think through where you’ll go — whether that’s a friend’s home, a family member’s house, or a local domestic violence shelter.

If you feel unsafe right now, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can help you develop a personalized safety plan and connect you with local resources.

Document Everything

When you’re preparing to leave an abusive marriage, documentation can become one of your most powerful tools. Courts often rely on evidence when determining custody or issuing restraining orders. In abusive relationships, your word alone may not be enough.

Start keeping a record of what’s happening. This could include:

• Photos of injuries, damaged property, or threatening messages
• Written logs of abusive incidents, including dates and details
• Copies of texts, emails, or voicemails that show threats or control

Keep this evidence somewhere safe and inaccessible to your spouse. Having a clear record of abuse can make a huge difference later when it comes to proving your case in court.

Hire a Family Law Attorney Who Understands Domestic Violence

Once you’ve made the decision to leave, you’ll need legal protection — and that means finding the right attorney. Not all divorce lawyers are the same. If you’re escaping an abusive marriage, it’s imperative that you work with a family law attorney who specializes in domestic violence and divorce.

An experienced attorney can help you navigate complex legal steps like:

• Filing for a protective order or restraining order to keep your abuser away
• Securing temporary custody of children
• Protecting your financial assets and identifying any hidden or joint accounts
• Filing for divorce and negotiating fair terms for property, support, and custody

Most importantly, they’ll understand the emotional and logistical challenges that come with leaving an abuser. They can handle communication with your spouse’s legal team and ensure you’re not retraumatized by the process.

Build a Support System You Can Trust

Abuse isolates you. (And that’s part of its greatest power.) You may have been cut off from friends or family, convinced that no one would believe you or that you had nowhere to turn. But the truth is, people want to help — you just need to reach out.

Start rebuilding your circle of support, even if it’s small. Confide in one trusted person who can help you move forward. You’re not weak for needing help. In fact, allowing others to support you is one of the strongest choices you can make.

Prioritize Your Safety and Emotional Recovery

Even after you’re physically safe, you may struggle with feelings of guilt, fear, confusion, or even grief. It’s normal to miss parts of the relationship or question your decision. But remember why you left.

Try to create a new routine centered around stability. Surround yourself with people who uplift you. As you heal, focus on small wins, like getting your own place or attending therapy. Every step forward is a huge development.

Moving Forward With Your Life

It might not feel like it now, but freedom is waiting for you. You are not defined by the abuse you endured or the fear you once lived with. You are defined by the strength it takes to walk away and rebuild. Here’s to a brighter future!